AU The Fault In Our Stars where Hazel Grace succumbs to the cancer and dies and in the last scene all you see is Augustus standing out side with a cigarette between his lips and a hand slowly reaching up to light it.
HOW IS THIS ANY BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL ENDING!!!!
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I read this in Bobs/Archers voice by accident. It was very nice. I enjoyed it.
I have to thank kissesforyourlovin for that suggestion because I read this post the first time aWHILE ago and I was just gonna scroll past this until I saw that and my god this is pure GOLD
i have chosen to live in a world where will never called jack and he and chilton became bitter hannibal-hating roommates
thank you jesus for making jaimie post this
Daenerys Targaryen’s “someone is going to die” face
REBLOG: go to your blog and click the egg to see what hatches
I got Sonic the Hedgehog.
Sonic the fucking Hedgehog.
Maybe I cracked the egg too fast.
I got a little dog and I think it’s from Animal Crossing but I’m not sure
EVERYONE ELSE HAS A SERIOUS ANSWER.
AND THEN THERE’S MADS.
One of these women is despised and hated for being awkward.
The other is applauded and worshipped for the exact same reason.
I know other factors come into play.
But something isn’t right there.
ones an extrovert and ones an introvert voila la différence
One had to portray a disaster of a character, one didn’t
A while ago, I was discussing the “dirty sexy alley scene” from City of Fallen Angels with Cassandra Jean.
Her: What’s the DSAS?
Me: Many years ago in the Shadowhunter fandom, someone dubbed the scene in COFA “the dirty sexy alley scene.” Then they all started getting monikers like that — Dirty Sexy Bedroom Scene, Dirty Sexy Club Scene, etc. At the moment they are:DSAS: the alley scene from CoFADSBS: Tessa and Jem in the bedroom from Clockwork PrinceDSCS: Jace and Clary in the club in Lost SoulsDSDS: Will and Tessa together in the dungeon/cell in PrincessDSES: Clary and Jace in an “E” place that is as yet unidentified but apparently underwater. :)It seems to be one per book, since there’s no Dirty Sexy Balcony scene for Will and Tessa, or Bedroom Scenes for Simon and Izzy or Maia and Jordan or Alec and Magnus. I don’t know why, though!”So Cassandra Jean kindly offered to draw them. Who am I to say no? So have a little Sexy Club Scene from Lost Souls.ETA: CLARY WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HAND
Going for the good part.